FAQs

Mediation requires you to negotiate with your spouse. You have to be able to sit in the room together and be able to express what you need.

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If you're not clear about what you want or need or why you want or need it, that’s OK. I can work with you during the mediation process to help you to consider many different options and then give you time to figure out what you need.

If there’s been extreme emotional intimidation between you and your spouse, you may not be able to mediate. You have to be able to speak freely during the mediation sessions. I once worked with a couple where the wife’s personality completely changed when the husband left the room. She was quiet and tense when he was there but relaxed and chatty when he left. They were unable to mediate because she couldn't say what she felt while he was in the room.

Most couples who come to mediation know that they want to divorce. If you and your spouse are still considering whether or not to stay together, you should probably work with a couples therapist or marriage counselor.

How can a mediator be neutral about your situation? Surely one of you is right and the other wrong.

First of all let me reassure you that you won’t agree to anything in mediation that you don’t want to agree to. However, something happens in the process that changes people’s goals and outlooks. I don’t ask my clients to agree with each other, just to make an honest effort to understand each other. To accomplish this, mediator neutrality is the most valuable and powerful tools I have.

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If I really understand how you're feeling, what this experience has done to you, what this means for you, the challenges that you are facing as you try to restructure your life, then I can help your spouse understand these things and make sure that the agreement that we put together takes care of you and your needs.

If you and your spouse have a history of violence between you, you probably should use more traditional methods for negotiating your divorce. It's difficult to speak freely and express what you want if you fear that you'll pay for your it later.

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However, if you have a clear belief that mediation is your best option, please feel free to give me a call to discuss safeguards that we can put into the mediation process, such as:

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• Written guidelines of behavior which, if violated, will trigger immediate termination.

• Presence of your advocate, relative or friend during mediation.

• Separate mediation appointments for you and your spouse/partner.

• Telephone/conference call mediation appointments, with no face-to-face meetings.

Mediation requires full and free exchange of information. If you believe your spouse may be hiding assets from you, you should go to a lawyer. Lawyers are better at finding hidden assets, and at forcing people to reveal them. In mediation, people have to be willing to disclose their assets to each other, although the information doesn't have to leave the mediation room.

If you feel you want the benefit of a lawyer representing you, so you have someone to depend on during this difficult and life changing process and so you make sure you know your legal rights, you can try Collaborative Law. That process has you and your spouse represented by attorneys who agree not to go to court.

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Attorneys who are trained in Collaborative Law use the same interest based facilitated negotiation techniques as mediation to generate win-win results. It may be appealing to people who can afford to have more involvement by attorneys and who want that kind of expertise.

The theory underlying our adversarial legal system is that each person will hire a bright, skilled warrior who will see the situation completely from the perspective of the client and present the strongest case possible to the judge. The judge will get the best information from each side and be neutral. The judge will see the situation from above and render a decision which metes out justice and wisdom.

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Sadly, because of our over burdened court system, most judges don't have time to get to know the people behind the case. People who go through the court system often end up feeling they didn't have their story heard by the judge and weren't given a chance to speak.

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Mediation will give you the chance because you're the best person to speak about your life and your needs. No expert knows your life as well as you and your spouse do. In truth, no hired expert will care as much as you do because only you and your family will live with the agreement you make. You're the people in the best position to decide what should happen with your family, your possessions, your divorce.

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As a mediator, I won't act as a judge, in that I won't make decisions for you. However, I will act as a judge in that I'll remain neutral. I'll do my best to listen to everything each of you needs to say and ask questions to make sure we have all of the information. If one person needs additional information, I'll help to brainstorm. They might need the assistance of an accountant, a financial planner or an attorney, before feeling confident to evaluate offers or have enough information to make decisions.

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I will use all of the tools I have to make sure each person hears the other. There's always miscommunication between divorcing people but a neutral mediator can help to improve this . You don’t have to agree with each other but it helps to understand why you disagree.